Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Lesson Learned

In my formative years, there was many a time when the concept of growing up was presented to me in such a way that the living shit lights were scared right out of me. Let me paint you a picture.

When I was in kindergarten, I had just entered public school for the first time. Before that, I had attended a private, religious preschool that set aside time every day for Jewish studies. You know, trying to round us out as students who could both count to ten and recite the first few pages of the Shemah. (Sorry. I'll save the religion rant for another day.)

Like anybody in a new situation, I was scared. I feared the white, blonde girls and boys who didn't have Persian accents. I feared the ginger teacher who it was obvious had no real concept of the Torah. But most of all I feared being away from home. My preschool was a mere three blocks from my home, and now I had to take a 15 minute drive in order to get to kindergarten. What was this sorcery?!

Nevertheless, I survived. And in fact, I thrived. I made great friends (all of whom are my proud friends on Facebook that I occasionally stalk but never actually see or talk to). I learned the alphabet, I taught myself how to color inside the lines, and I mastered the ever-grappling monkey bars.

And then it was over. Before you could say "Jesus Greg Kinnear," kindergarten had ended. (You're welcome for the Parks reference.) It was at this point that I learned my first valuable lesson, the one that we are reminded of almost every day. Nothing gold can stay, you don't know what you've got till it's gone, I will remember you. Look at that, I just quoted Robert Frost, Joni Mitchell, and Sarah McLachlan all in the same sentence!

Cut to: the first day of 1st grade. Instead of going straight to my new classroom, I, along with my old kindergarten buddies, were herded back into our old room. We were organized into groups and each group sat down at a different table in different chairs, which quite oddly seemed to have shrunk over the summer vacation. A different adult came over to each table.

My old kindergarten teacher stood at the front of the class and quieted us down. She said, "Boys and girls, do you all see the adults at your tables? These are your new teachers. You are going to follow them to your new classrooms!" Her cheeriness was meant to make us feel welcome in this new situation, but she wasn't fooling anyone.

In my head I thought, "You're telling me I have to be in a new class, with a new teacher, with mostly new students?" I was baffled. And here came Lesson #2. It seemed that I couldn't stay in the same place for too long. Life gets in the way. It makes you move and grow and change, and not everyone is going to change with you. And even though it's not up to you who stays in your life and who doesn't, you do get to decide one thing. You are in charge of how you grow, how you change. This may attract certain people towards you, due to the general air and grace that comes with being six years old.

We now enter the first grade. It was scarier because I was growing up, yet more exciting because, well, I was growing up. Once again, I had the time of my life. I learned that it was in fact possible to read a book that was more than 10 pages (although books with no pictures would come much later). I discovered the difference between friends, best friends, and best friends in the universe of all time forever and always. (These are in fact the Facebook friends I so often catch up with.) Oh, and I learned how to tell time.

And once again, the year came and went. Lesson 2 was reinforced as I said goodbye to Facebook friend #4 and #7 (see how good a friend I am?) as I left for the summer.

On the first day of second grade, I was naïve. I figured we would once again be taken to our old class and sorted into our new ones. I had steeled myself for this over the summer. I was ready to say goodbye to old friends and old memories and begin my new, classy life as a second grader. (I consider it a great deal of maturity to have grasped the idea of nostalgia at such a young age. But I am far from philosophical, I promise you.)

But the public school system cheated me (in more ways than one). My mom drove me to school that day, walked with me directly to my new class and said goodbye. I was perplexed. Wouldn't I get a chance to say goodbye to the old days? Are they really suggesting I jump into this new routine without knowing what exactly I'm getting into? Devastation hit like a ton of bricks.

The third--but nowhere near final--lesson of elementary school had been learned. This wouldn't be the last time someone metaphorically held my hand through the schooling process and eased me into a new situation. But when the training wheels came off, I was always in for a rude awakening. I think this is a phenomenon that gets the best of us as humans. We expect after a while to be led through life with someone behind us, holding the seat of the bike so we don't fall over. But when the support is gone, we become a wobbly mess and sometimes fall flat on our faces. I guess I learned that it's muscle memory, combined with brain power and willingness to succeed that let's us balance out and ride that bike like it's nobody's business. And if we fail, there's always the helmet to break our fall. Hey, no one said the hand-holding had to go away all at the same time.

Just for kicks, I thought I'd share a couple other little nuggets of wisdom I learned throughout my elementary years.
  • Never fall palms-first onto an open, grassy area in springtime; it is likely that a bee will be hiding beneath the blades of grass with it's stinger at attention. 
  • The monkey bars are great fun until you're sobbing in the nurse's office due to several peeling calluses. 
  • Valentine's Day cards are a sham; the boy you've had the biggest crush on for ages may have dropped into your bag a "Be Mine" card with little hearts all over it and Mickey and Minnie staring doe-eyed at each other, but that two-timing bastard also gave the same card to every other girl in the class. Talk about disappointment.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Great study music

This is just that "feels-good-in-your-bones" type of music. Also, you can't go wrong with Yo-Yo Ma.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Want

The other day, my sister was explaining to me a situation in which she had to choose between two things, one of which scared her to death. I, in my "wisdom," was reminded of the great Kristen Wiig and told my sister, "Go for the scary one. Do one thing every day that scares you."

If only I could take my own advice.

Kristen said once that you need to dream big and try as hard as you can to achieve your goals. She said something along the lines of, "If your dreams don't scare the shit out of you, they're not big enough." I believe in this 100%. My dreams are the scariest things in my head. Where will I be next year? Five years from now? Will I be living my dreams or wishing I had pursued them?

I know Kristen is right, and I know she's absolutely justified in saying that, because she's living her dream. But my problem doesn't lie in the fact that my dreams aren't big enough. My problem is that I'm scared. Up until a few months ago, almost all major decisions were made for me. I didn't have to think too hard about what I wanted to do with my life because my time was occupied with endless busy work and not much reason to look ahead to the future.

But now, I'm in college. Now, independence strikes me across the face five times a day as I am continuously asked (and as I continuously ask myself) what the hell I want to do with my life. I guess the problem isn't so much that I don't know what I want; it's that I'm too afraid to go get it. Whenever the subject of majors or professions comes up I recoil like an animal that's just heard a gunshot. I run away and I don't look back.

I want so many things. I want to write. I want to work in television. I want to be able to definitively answer someone when they ask me what my major is and not care about the flicker of doubt on their face as they think about how worthless a degree in "____" is. I want to inspire people like Amy Poehler has inspired me. I want people to not only see me for how nice I am, but for how hard I work and how dedicated I am to making my dreams come true. Yes, these things scare me shitless. But I think I don't want hard enough.

The bottom line is that fear drives me, but it also holds me back.

Maybe Kristen should rephrase what she said: If your dreams scare the shit out of you, they're big enough. And if you want your dreams to come true, you better be ready to walk into a haunted house full of your worst fears and prepare to face them at any moment. Because "wants" are endless, but fears can be overcome.