Want

The other day, my sister was explaining to me a situation in which she had to choose between two things, one of which scared her to death. I, in my "wisdom," was reminded of the great Kristen Wiig and told my sister, "Go for the scary one. Do one thing every day that scares you."

If only I could take my own advice.

Kristen said once that you need to dream big and try as hard as you can to achieve your goals. She said something along the lines of, "If your dreams don't scare the shit out of you, they're not big enough." I believe in this 100%. My dreams are the scariest things in my head. Where will I be next year? Five years from now? Will I be living my dreams or wishing I had pursued them?

I know Kristen is right, and I know she's absolutely justified in saying that, because she's living her dream. But my problem doesn't lie in the fact that my dreams aren't big enough. My problem is that I'm scared. Up until a few months ago, almost all major decisions were made for me. I didn't have to think too hard about what I wanted to do with my life because my time was occupied with endless busy work and not much reason to look ahead to the future.

But now, I'm in college. Now, independence strikes me across the face five times a day as I am continuously asked (and as I continuously ask myself) what the hell I want to do with my life. I guess the problem isn't so much that I don't know what I want; it's that I'm too afraid to go get it. Whenever the subject of majors or professions comes up I recoil like an animal that's just heard a gunshot. I run away and I don't look back.

I want so many things. I want to write. I want to work in television. I want to be able to definitively answer someone when they ask me what my major is and not care about the flicker of doubt on their face as they think about how worthless a degree in "____" is. I want to inspire people like Amy Poehler has inspired me. I want people to not only see me for how nice I am, but for how hard I work and how dedicated I am to making my dreams come true. Yes, these things scare me shitless. But I think I don't want hard enough.

The bottom line is that fear drives me, but it also holds me back.

Maybe Kristen should rephrase what she said: If your dreams scare the shit out of you, they're big enough. And if you want your dreams to come true, you better be ready to walk into a haunted house full of your worst fears and prepare to face them at any moment. Because "wants" are endless, but fears can be overcome.