All of us are lost

I would like to sincerely apologize for my (literally) insane blogging these past few weeks involving the television show masterpiece LOST.

Y'all, this show has done things to me that I didn't even think were possible. I talk to myself about the show. Out loud. I discuss theories with myself. OUT LOUD. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried while I had guests over because I kept thinking about the finale. When I say "crying" I'm usually not crying. TV hardly ever makes me cry. But. You guys. I CRIED. TEARS. FROM MY EYES. 

I don't think this is normal?

In conclusion, LOST is a wonderful thing and a gift to my life (even though it doesn't quite seem that way). I see the world differently because of it. I am a different, a better, person because of it. Therefore, I think it would be a really good investment in your life to start watching. And a great one in mine. Because then I could still go insane, but also have someone to reign me in when I go a leeettle too far.

I promise I'll leave you alone after this. Actually. Scratch that. I won't stop until all of you are Losties like me ;)

Oh, and you should watch this:

Now that's the kind of show you wanna watch. Am I right or am I right?

Pride and/or Prejudice

Last night I had to go see a play for my English class. I was waiting for my dad to come pick me up, but there was traffic so I knew it'd take a while. I started talking to a girl who I had previously gotten to know from my class who was also waiting for her ride, and eventually the subject came to boys and dating.

She asked me, "So do you have a boyfriend?"

"No, I don't." For some reason--maybe because it was really late and I was tired, or maybe because I just wanted to talk about this and confirm what I always just discussed in my head--I added, "Never had one, actually."

I expected a certain reaction. And I got it.

"Never? Oh my god." By the look on her face, I could easily have told her I'd had a pregnancy scare. "You've never even hooked up with a guy? Not even at prom?"

"Nope."

I guess she realized it would sound bad if she acted completely shocked, so she added, somewhat unconvincingly, "Aw, that's so sweet. You're like a little virgin baby." I laughed awkwardly and then changed the subject to her love life, which she launched into with great enthusiasm.

I should state first and foremost that I'm not angry. This girl is actually really nice and kind and although we're not great friends, I do respect her and enjoy her company. She's a good person.

But this conversation kind of stuck with me.

No, I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even really had a real kiss. (I don't count a game of Spin the Bottle at a girl's birthday party when I was 12.) And yeah, sometimes this bothers me. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, "What am I doing wrong?" I hardly know anyone who hasn't at least been asked out at one point in his/her life. I certainly see more than a fair share of couples around campus and LA in general. Most of my friends are, or have been, in relationships. So, yeah, you can bet that my mind will go to the assumption that there's gotta be something I'm doing that's drawing guys away and make me think, "Is it me?"

But you know what? It's also kind of okay. Maybe I haven't had tons of luck in the love department, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try and transform who I am so that this changes. I like who I am. I like how I look. I like my personality. And if no guys have really noticed that yet, well they haven't really been paying attention, have they? I know I'll find someone. It's just a matter of when.

Being in a relationship ain't exactly as wonderful as they make it out to be on TV anyways. I adore Ben/Leslie, Jim/Pam, etc. just as much as the next TV addict, but the fact is that relationships are not all lovey dovey cuteness and making out and flirting on Facebook for the world to see. Maybe I don't have what this girl has, but I think I know a thing or two about love. And love is not being with a guy just so that you can be able to say yes and smile demurely when people ask you if you have a boyfriend.

It's okay that she reacted the way she did. We were raised differently. We have different ideas of love and compassion. She even said she's got a few "fuck buddies" on the side. I, on the other hand, could not contemplate a one-night stand if my life was on the line.

I have faults. I don't need to list them, but I hope you believe me when I say this. I do have faults. I acknowledge them. And maybe these faults keep me a step behind girls like the one I talked to last night. But if there's one thing I know, it's that I have strength and self-respect and happiness, and somewhere, someday, someone will realize this and not only respect it, but love me for it. Until that happens, I'm perfectly content saying that no, I have never had a boyfriend, or a fuck buddy, or even a possible love interest. Because I know that it'll happen. And more importantly, I know that it's nothing to be ashamed of.

*Disclaimer: I am not trying to judge this kind of lifestyle or say people who have sex are in any way wrong. I simply wanted to state that this is not the way I go about my life. That's all.

Invictus

We read this today in my lit class and the entire time, my head was screaming, "JACK SHEPHARD". Does this not remind you of him in every way?



Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


In the fell cluth of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.


It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.




I am convinced this poem was written for Jack. (Never mind that it was written more than a century before he existed...) His steadfast nature. His inability to waver from truth and goodness. His reliance on fact and consequence. His hard-headed, enduring personality. God, I just read this over and over and got so emotional thinking of everything Jack went through, and how this poem depicts him almost perfectly. Anyway, thought I'd share.

Obligatory Friendship Post

Friends. I've often told myself, who needs 'em? I like being alone. In fact, I LOVE being alone. It's the only time I really feel like me and not an alternate version of me. I've always had acquaintances. Classmates. Kids you waved at in the halls of school. Those kinds of friends were never hard to make. But they were tourists. (Parks fans, you know what I'm sayin'.)

But about a year and a half ago, I realized something. These temporary "hall friends" weren't gonna cut it. Even I can't stand loneliness for too long. Sure, I may not like to go out or know how to express my true feelings, but I needed someone who would understand that. Someone who would accept that. And someone who would most probably be the same way.

Then I met Annie. High school was a place where the popular thrived and the not-so-popular had quite a challenge ahead of them. So the fact that Annie and I met and bonded right then and there, that meant something to me. I am unwaveringly proud to have (and to BE) a best friend, especially despite my flaws and disgustingly terrible communication skills. But we found each other and I couldn't be happier.

And you know what? I thought that was it. I thought I had ran the race and come out a victor. I realized and accepted the fact that this was the closest I would ever get to friendship. I figured one was enough, and really, would I ever have that incredible stroke of lucky again where I met someone I immediately clicked with? Not likely.

Well, friends, I was wrong. I was so wrong. I was laughably wrong. I was wrong four times over.

Abbi. Dear, sweet Abbi. You took me under your wing during my shaky and unstable first time watching Doctor Who. You exchanged feelings and emotions with me like no other. I realized for the first time that people could truly bond over television. You taught me to love things. Really love things. And to not be ashamed of it either.

Leila. You are sharp of wit. You are smarter than I'll ever be. And DAMN you can make a good argument. You showed me how to reply to a text post with a gif (which is an extremely important and valuable thing to know, thank you very much). You constantly put a stupid grin on my face when you lecture me about historical facts that, if learned in history class, I would fall asleep to, but when learned from you, are perfect and informative. In short, you know your strengths, and you are not in any way afraid to use them.

Raven. You beautiful, sophisticated, independent young woman. I am in awe of you. I swear you were a queen or some sort of woman in a high social position in a previous life. You are razor sharp. You have charisma to beat us all. You do your thing, and you don't fucking care if they like it. But they like it. In fact, they love it.

Laney. I refuse to believe we met less than a week ago. In that time we have bonded more than I could have ever imagined. Bless you for loving Lucy as much as I do. I realized right away that I had met my match in you. You have the silliness I've always craved, the poise I've always lacked, and the ability to turn the saddest thing into the happiest, which I've always seen but could never emulate. I think more than anything, you teach me how to harness my love and obsession, and reign it in the right direction (which coincidentally, happens to be you and the aforementioned ladies.)

None of this could ever be said aloud. In conversation, I trip up. I lose myself in the thinking instead of the speaking. So here is my solution. I am surrounded by love and I don't know what to do with myself. So I write. And I love back.